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Text File  |  1995-06-16  |  6KB  |  139 lines
  1.  
  2.                                       SONGS
  3.  
  4.                                        ***
  5.                                      HAYFEVER
  6.                                   To the tune of 
  7.                         "Love Is A Many-Splendored Thing": 
  8.  
  9.                        Hayfever is a many-splintered thang.
  10.                                It's the only nose 
  11.                                  that ever blows 
  12.                                in the early sprang.
  13.  
  14.                            It is nature's way of givin'
  15.                             A reason to stop livin'. 
  16.                                  The only thang
  17.                            That makes a man a "thang." 
  18.  
  19.                         Pollen, on a high and windy hill,
  20.                               In the morning breeze,
  21.                                Two lovers sneezed,
  22.                           And their hearts stood still.
  23.  
  24.                           Hayfever is a very runny thing.
  25.                      (You may think it's funny, but it'snot).
  26.                               Here's looking ATCHOO!
  27.                                  OL' WEEPY-EYES!
  28.  
  29.                  (Dredicated to all my fellow allergy-sufferers.)
  30.                                        ***
  31.                                     BAWL GAME
  32.                   To the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game":
  33.  
  34.                           Bawl me out to the take game,
  35.                             Bawl me out to the crowd,
  36.                       Buy me some nutpeas and jackercracks.
  37.                         I don't bare if I ever get crack.
  38.  
  39.                             Then it's hoot, hoot, hoot
  40.                                 for the rome team.
  41.                            Though I adshame its a mitt,
  42.                          For it'th rone, Stwo, ree trikes
  43.                                    You're out!
  44.                               In the old gall bame!
  45.                                        ***
  46.                              SONGS THAT NEVER MADE IT
  47.  
  48.                                    THE FLY SONG
  49.                      When you and I were young maggots, dear.
  50.  
  51.                              THE PARATROOPER'S LAMENT
  52.                          A little-bitty tear* lemme down,
  53.                           Spoiled my act on the ground.
  54.                             I'm so happy I could frown
  55.                       'cause a little bitty tear lemme down.
  56.                                *[pronounced tare] 
  57.  
  58.                                DACHSHUND COMMERCIAL
  59.                             Get a long, little doggie,
  60.                                   Get along....
  61.                                        ***
  62.                                 HOME ON THE RANGE
  63.                          Overheard recently on the range:
  64.                            A deer said to an antelope,
  65.                  "Shh, I think I just heard a discouraging word."
  66.                                        ***
  67.                                      PC RAP
  68.                                   Spock, Spock,
  69.                                   the baby doc,
  70.                                leads a peace march 
  71.                                 'round the block.
  72.                          Around him everywhere you look,
  73.                        are kids he messed-up with his book!
  74.                                   (Mad Magazine)                                    
  75.                                        ***  
  76.                                BOLL WEEVIL RAP
  77.                       Th' fust time I seen the boll weevil
  78.                               it was kinda rare.
  79.                       Th' next time I seen the boll weevil
  80.                          he had alla his family there!
  81.  
  82.                          He's jus' lookin' fo a home.
  83.                             Jus' lookin fo a home.
  84.  
  85.                           We was jus' sittin' aroun'
  86.                             havin' a friendly chat.
  87.                          When I found dat doggone bug
  88.                            done made hisself a home
  89.                           in my bran' new Sunday hat!
  90.  
  91.                          He's jus' lookin' fo a home.
  92.                             Jus' lookin fo a home.
  93.                          
  94.                         So, the farmer takes the weevil
  95.                        and he sets him on a cake of ice. 
  96.                             "My!" said the weevil,
  97.                                 to th' farmer
  98.                          "It's mighty cool and nice"
  99.  
  100.                              "Hit'll be my home."
  101.                              "Hit'll be my home!"
  102.  
  103.                         So, the farmer takes the weevil
  104.                                and he throws him 
  105.                               in the red-hot fire.
  106.                              "My!" said the weevil,
  107.                                 to th' farmer
  108.                           "Hit's kindly warm in hyar!"
  109.  
  110.                             "But, hit'll be my home
  111.                              "Hit'll be my home!"
  112.  
  113.                              Now, if enybody ax you 
  114.                                who wrote dis song
  115.                                    tell 'em
  116.                           was a light-complected fella
  117.                           wit a paira blue duffies on.
  118.  
  119.                              He's looking fer a home.
  120.                              He's looking fer a home.
  121.                                        ***
  122.                          HIT HAIN'T AGONNA RAIN NO MORE
  123.                           Frog a-sittin' on a lilly pad
  124.                                gazin' in th sky.
  125.                                 Lilly pad broke
  126.                                   frog fell in
  127.                             got water all in his eye.
  128.  
  129.                         Oh, it hain't agonna rain no more
  130.                         Oh, it hain't agonna rain no more.
  131.                                  How in the heck
  132.                                 can I wash m' neck
  133.                        when it hain't agonna rain no more.
  134.                                        ***
  135.  
  136.  
  137.                                        END
  138.  
  139.